Sunday, 13 November 2011

Lethal Weapon

'Simple Pleasures (down me shed)' was going to be the title of this blog post. My shed finally got a tidy up and I was happier than a pig in shit. Pottering is the perfect antidote to hours glued to the computer screen. A month ago I fashioned a new wooden handle to fit an old axe head, but deadlines threatened and it didn't get put to work.
There are five small open fireplaces with cast iron surrounds; including the kitchen and the bathroom in my terraced Victorian house. Coal was the fuel back in the day, but its stinky, hard to ignite and to me misses the cosines of naked flame, so mine run on scavenged wood. (I did try MDF off-cuts but it's evil).
So to my shed to chop up some kindling, 15 minutes with a whetstone to sharpen my new-olde toy. Oh what joy! Gently wiping my thumb sideways across the edge of the blade - why is that rasping sensation of skin on razor sharp plain steel so primevally marvelous? (Some background info: Many years ago, on day 1 working as a sous-chef in London; terrified by the standard issue Crocodile Dundee blade, an exceptionally crusty baguette that I was directed to chop up for garlic bread, took me by surprise and drew blood, but after 6 months my tomatoe slicing speed was pretty impressive). So to the task in hand...
'Thwack'
'Splat'
I stand frozen staring at my left index finger, the tip cut clean off at 45∘. And blood oozing.
Thankfully adrenalin kicked in immediately and there was virtually no pain. My boy had a graze last week and the first-aid kit was still on the kitchen table. My head must have been literally spinning as I stood staring blankly at various bandages and ointments, as even though he's only 3 he said "sit down dadda".

Today I went back to the shed to find the missing article. It wasn't as Tarantino'esque a scene as imagined. After the attack, the axeman had been cool enough to replace the weapon back in it's proper place on the shelf. In a couple of weeks I'll be able to pick my nose again - might even be able to dig a bit deeper now my finger is sharper. BP

8 comments:

Paul Baleta said...

Ouch! Choppin wood rocks... but losin parts of one's body doesn't. Hope the finger is all healed up soon!

Full Lock or Death #29 said...

Jesus Ben, just promise you won't take that evil bastard to next year's races...

Anthony Brown said...

Ben
Everyone knows you pick your nose with your little finger. Try it. Sorry you chopped your finger off though.
Anna butler

Dr-Ogo said...

It's true B, all my memories of you are characterized by you
digging around with your lady finger, it's sad you have to macho up on the blog and go all ' index' on us..
D

User.One said...

Bravo! Axe wound jokes anybody?
Hope it heals fast Ben.

Mick P said...

Hey, I'm an index man myself, though the lady finger is brought into play for certain noodling situations.

Nick said...

I say! TMI

originalracingsnake said...

OW! Ben, I cut the end off my LH index finger years ago with a TL1000S, not an axe. Smarts doesn't it?

GWS fella. Don't chew out the stitches when they itch.