Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Motorcycle Enlightenment by Jason

Blinking into the spring sunshine from a whole winter in my garage attempting to make my Triumph as light as possible by using, titanium bolts, brackets, exhaust and removing all unnecessaries etc, a thought came to me. What about that lump of meat operating the controls?
Is there a cheaper alternative to motorcycle enlightenment?
Climbing on my wife’s fancy new scales at home, tells me, not only what I weigh, but how fat I am too, marvelous. Of my 76kg, 21% of me is fat. That’s 21% of unnecessary. If I lose that fat, it’ll be like saving £8300 on Ti bolts. Not bad eh? Not to mention about £500 worth of food. Now I’m no business genius but I’m not stupid either and I’m sure I’m not the only one who could do with making that kind of saving during these credit crunching times.
The scales also tell me that 51% of me is water. Crikey, good job I don’t live somewhere hot, I could dry out to 6 stone! Although the flip side to this would be saving of over £30 grand!
The self satisfaction of saving all that money only lasted until I saw an advert on TV for McCain oven chips, the ad said that they’re just 5% fat. WTF, that means I’m over four times fatter than a plate of chips? Bugger.
That’s not good and it gets worst…. In fact, if 72% of me is fat and water, by the time teeth, hair and other stuff are added there can’t be much meat. Under new EU regulations a sausage cannot be classified as a sausage unless it’s over 40% meat. What a travesty, how did my body get in such a state where it can’t even be classed as a sausage? Where did it all go wrong? No longer can I be called a Silly Sausage, only a Silly Banger.
So here’s my advice, spend £30 grand on bolts and eat plenty of chips because they’re really low in fat. If you can’t afford £30 grand, don’t worry just set off 0.023 seconds earlier for every mile of your journey.

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1 comment:

Rat said...

Great post. I wouldn't have had the courage to divulge my BFI (body fat index) in cyberspace, but I'll say mine is north of 21%. It is funny how we obsess about the weight of our bikes, and miss the obvious factor of the weight of the rider.

Thankfully my bike has enough power to pull me and my sometimes bloated carcass down the road. I'm not gonna win any races, and the cheeseburger I decided to have for lunch won't be the determining factor.