These Things Scare Me

I've ridden fast on fast bikes, including 200mph on the clock on a turbo Hayabusa on a German autobahn, but these things are in a league of their own. I cannot imagine ever wanting to ride one. Just watching this clip puts the fear of god in me. G

Deep Space Deviants On Britain's Got Talent: TONIGHT

This frankly preposterous news, about Dirt Quake's clueless compere, has just reached us from Wigan...

It's a Swindle! 
Spanner-In-The-Works, Subvert-Semi-Finalists on BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT. 
Anybody that knows me and my close circle of friends will acknowledge what we stand for. Most importantly, pick up the phone and vote DEEP-SPACE DEVIANTS when the moment arrives... Thanks in advance for your support.

If I had Indian MTV, I'd never get anything done

Dateline: 12 September 2015, Hotel Mini Swiss, Khajjiar, India

After four nights in a tent, sleeping in jawdropping locations in the Himalayas on the Sideburn x Helmet Stories trip, we were back in a hotel, a hotel that was something like a set of a Wes Anderson movie (see the swimming pool below. Unfortunately it was empty. That's a horse being led round it).

It was good to get a shower, but the camping had been such fun, and so memorable, that we weren't that fussed to be in a hotel, especially not one quite this weird. Still it was an experience.

The next morning, we met in reception, ready for the last day's riding. While I was waiting, my gaze fell on the TV the bored male receptionist was watching. The old set was showing Indian MTV. After days of riding, eating in shacks and pooping in a tent, I was mesmerised by this eye candy. Right there and then I thought, If I had Indian MTV at home, I'd never get anything done. This is the actual video that was on. It didn't take me long after getting home to hunt it down. I've watched it a few times and still wonder:

What. The. Hell. Is. Going. ON?

Read about this trip in Sideburn 23. By the way, the huge statue is Hanuman, the Hindu monkey god. G

The Ross Sisters

I know what you're thinking, 'Race politics, race schmolitics! I can't wait to see what those freaks serve up for off-topic Sunday.'

Well, faithful reader, we have a beauty. God only knows what our friend Captain Simon was looking for when he found this video, but we're glad he did and shared this nugget of fool's gold with us.

This is from a 1940s film called Broadway Rhythm, I think. It starts off so mundanely that you'll be thinking we've lost the plot, until exactly 2:30 into the clip. Then it seems like you've gobbled a handful of Mick's Magic Mushrooms and washed it down with a mug of Absinthe. People start melting. It is truly unfathomable. A few things went through my mind while watching it, but one was 'And they thought Elvis Presley's wiggling hips were too much for TV audiences?'

Watch and be left agog.

And, I say this every time I go wandering off-piste, but if you're new to the blog and came expecting motorcycles not three sisters with spaghetti skeletons, there are over 5200 posts on this blog, so go digging or come back tomorrow. Because we post:
EVERY
DAMN
DAY. G

Squirrel Hoarder

Whilst building my BMW R100R I wondered why nuts kept appearing on shed floor, I also found starting difficult and when eventually running it was very choked, on removing airbox cover I realised the nutty problem of a squirrel having stashed his stolen bird food from a shed in Capel Curig. Talk about alternative fuels, eat your heart out Ethanol additives etc....
I bet the squirrel was really pissed off and is still hunting me down on a mission scouring Welsh mountain tops and forests like a Squirrel Rambo.
Capt Simon

Make it Happen

More genius from Pot Noodle. This was the last Pot Noodle ad I loved. G

Shade Balls

Yeah another off-topic special: "Genius invention combats water evaporation". Doesn't exactly sound like a Sideburn blog worthy news but check out the video below of 96,000,000 black plastic balls bouncing down into an LA reservoir and tell me you are not a little bit turned on. Ok maybe not as captivating as Magali Noël singing Rififi but still.
If you are into black plastic balls as much as me you can read more about them in the LA Times.
Something with two wheels and an engine will be along shortly. BP

Women Mud Wrestling - But Not As You Know It

DIRT QUAKE IV is this coming week end.
We take a tried and tested sport (motorcycle flat track racing), say "Bo Ya!" and turn it on its head, including the guest list. Favouring the green (as in clueless, not ecologically aware) and mad (as in good, not bad). And as we appreciate boys can get a little rowdy at parties - even if there is not excess alcohol, or speedboats, or kicker-ramps involved, we decided to give the ladies their own class. Ranging in age from 20 to 50. From CBT fresh to the worldly travelled. Bultaco, BSA, Suzuki, Velocette, and anything else in-between, all speeding around and around and around. And if that doesn't prove entertaining enough, we add a deluge of mud. BP

Dick Emery Driving Test

A dose of Dick Emery a day keeps the Doctor away. BP

Day 13

Day 13 of my regime, and no stones, or even single pebble, have been lost. Disappointing, considering that's plodding every day except Sunday and the last two days as Man Flu has grounded me.

Blogging hours traded for jogging miles have not given me healthy enlightenment, although I should feel slightly self righteous. I'm certain that I've gone down a cup size from an E to a double D. My wife says I 'look' slimmer.

Then I thought running to up-tempo music might up my RPM and increase calorie burn. It sort of worked for 20 minutes but made me want to puke, and I don't like going to discos in daylight hours anyway.
Seeing as this is all in aid of a Sahara adventure, it makes sense to better replicate the stifling atmospheric conditions with a fur lined coat and my new Barstow 100% goggles. Combined with the oversize DJ headphones, I look like a weekender bender escapee. Jog on. BP

Gonna Fly Now

Feeling like Sly in Rocky II, but looking more like Eddy The Eagle I have just started jogging for the first time in what 20 years. Fitness is not an ap. And it's painful. I'm a 14 1/2 stone slob that desperately needs to get in shape for the Sahara next month. After the first 20 minutes I felt fine, then stopped for a pedestrian crossing and nearly keeled over (I always wondered why the keen always jog on the spot at such moments). I'm trying to think Zola Bud light feet, but my duck feet FLAP-FLAP-FLAP on the tarmac. Deus will you please design a male sports bra for the middle aged 'athlete'? My boinging moobs are giving me back ache. BP

UPDATE:
the elastic in my beloved 80s Adidas tracky-bums has burst, so now they're held up with oversized braces, and the look has tipped dangerously toward "Rock On Tommy" Bobby Ball.

No-Go Area

In December Sideburn went to the new Monday Mo Co shop in Birmingham for a low-key shindig and mag launch. Little did we know we were braving a Al Qaeda hot spot, a no-go area for non-Muslims and were at risk from a beat down from a 'police' force enforcing sharia law. If only we'd seen this well-informed and expertly researched Fox News report before (below).

We weren't the only people to dodge the fundamentalist snipers' tracer fire and flag-burning mobs. Luke came down to check out the scene and wrote a little report for We Are Union. These photos are from there.

We steer clear of politics on this blog, but in all seriousness, watch the clip below and realise it's not a joke.
It's obvious all mainstream news is some kind of propaganda, but can you believe the shit fed by 'serious' news channels.

Birmingham is great! Long live Monday Mo Co, too. G

£114.68 (plus post)

We're making more of these. We weren't going to, but so many Guy Martin fans are asking it seems daft not to. We're waiting for the quote from the UK manufacturer, but they'll be between £15 and £20 (a saving of at least £94.68). G

WTF?

Sideburn hat, that we sold for £15 plus post for the last seven months, now on UK eBay for £95, just because Guy Martin wore one on TV a few times.
Don't bother bidding, we're making some more.
Form an orderly queue. G

Thanks to Pete The Rich for the tip-off

François Gissy World's Fastest Gas-Powered Bicycle

I'd like to see François go head-to-head with Colin Furze's pulse jet he fired up at Dirt Quake III. BP

Bixby Moto

We're proud to announce Andrew from Bixby Moto is writing about the Hell of Wheels Japan race for the next Sideburn (out in early-December). We're pretty sure we're the last magazine to get around to covering this event, but our article is worth the wait.
If you don't know about them, investigate the Bixby Moto YouTube Channel. G

 Andrew. I'm pretty sure he's Canadian.

Drew's fantastic W650 complete with desert paddle tyre. This is the bike he raced in Japan (with different rubber).

And now for something completely different...

This put a bigger smile on my already smiling face. The new video from See See Motorcycles to promote Chrome bags. G

Cupcake

CUPCAKE CANNON from Kamp Grizzly on Vimeo.
What hugely expensive slo-mo camera equipment was made for. G

Minibike conquers Pikes Peak

This is a great story from and starring our friend, regular correspondent and occasional magazine contributor,  Roger F from Ohio.

Here's a blast from the past. I just got my new issue of Sideburn magazine with a cover story about Guy Martin and the Pikes Peak Hillclimb, and there was also a minibike picture posted on FB by a friend that caused me to look around for these pictures and maybe put together the little minibike basketcase that fell into my lap last week. Serendipity. 

In the fall of 1971, I was enlisted to help another student in high school get a motorcycle license endorsement so he could ride a minibike up the famous Pikes Peak mountain as a promotion for a new Mercury brand centrifugal clutch. Centrifugal clutches were a weak point for minibikes back then, as kids would thrash them, slipping them unmercifully, making expensive replacement necessary. Unfortunately, a week prior to going their rider gets mono, so at the last minute, I'm drafted to fill in. The advertising account manager, a mechanic and I are packed into a station wagon and drive out to Colorado, right before the road closes for the winter. 

We had three days out there to make it to the top, and back then, only the first five miles were paved. The rest was an exceptionally well cared for, wide dirt road that could be navigated safely by tourists in their automobiles. There was no real skill required to ride the road, just twist the throttle and endure the cold. 

The first day we had great weather, but despite preparation beforehand, the bike was still jetted too rich for the altitude and ran out of breath about a couple thousand feet from the summit. Overnight in the hotel room, the carb was rejetted, but the next day the weather turned bad and we were stopped at the cabin at the end of the pavement due too snow and wind at higher elevations. 

We had one day remaining and it was do or die. The weather was clear but cold, and we made it without incident. The bike was still hampered by a lack of power as I got closer to the summit, and I was consciously taking wide lines to conserve momentum in order to make it. By the time I got to the top, my speed was down under 10mph and the motor was struggling, but that clutch never faltered, even after miles of hard work over the three days on the mountain. 

The publicity was very successful, and the ad manager ghost wrote my account for Mini Cycle magazine, and the story also appeared in the AMA magazine and several local newspapers. The attached pictures are b/w promo shots taken on our way down for the ad campaign. It really was a cool little minibike, despite the lights, horn and mirror tacked on to make it quasi street legal..
Roger

Hot cock

When I’m working late helping to put together another issue of Sideburn, one thing that keeps me going is the taste of hot cock. And if it’s hot Jamaican cock, well, that really gets my juices flowing. Hard and long – a night finishing the mag can be testing, but so long as I can lay my hands on plenty of cock, I know I’ll get the sticky bits licked before the press deadline. MP